One of the most difficult thing – in my humble opinion – is going about day-to-day life while in the back of my mind is either the upcoming blood test or ultrasound, or after the tests the waiting period of the results. Others carry on 24/7 concentrating on one thing at a time, me? Trying to do everything as if nothing was bothering my mind, but it takes a lot of energy and effort not to break down from time to time and say, I have had it, I really need a break, I can’t do this anymore, I want to be left alone, I need someone to carry on for me / instead of me, and I need to be able to stay in bed for a while, or I should be able to feel as weak as I really am. No pretentious smiles, no forced energy to fix anything for anyone. Need a break from all this illness. I find it hard to be alone emotionally, but somehow I do understand everyone else around me who has no idea what cancer patiens are going through. I remember myself a while back, when my mother was telling me about her chemo and radiation treatments, how her whole body was suffering, her skin breaking off her feet, how they burned her back so bad it was smelling like burned meat for a long time. I was listening to her, I did feel awful, but obviously I could not even come close to what she must have gone through. I often think of her, and remember our telephone conversations, how helpless I felt, and how much I knew I could not ease her pain. I hoped that by listening I could give some comfort to her and hoped that by having someone to tell everything, she can take all the torture they made her go though. To deal with emotions during treatment – or if you treat yourself – is surely one of the hardest things to do. It would be nice to have some support and understanding from relatives and friens, but nearly impossible to get the type of help we need. It is difficult at work, at home, everywhere. Many people think that talking about this illness as tabu, so they do not even mention it, let alone ask us how we are doing. That is odd, as if by not naming it, the illness would not exist. But that is not the case. I prefer to deal with this illness by talking about it, writing about it, hoping it makes it easier for everyone around me to understand me at least 1% easier. Another thing I found that since I am not bold, nor I have a visible bandage etc. on me, some forget my condition pretty fast.
I need medication to function, twice a day. If I do not take them, I slow down, my heart rate jumps up from the smallest physical activity like walking 5 steps and eventually in approx. a month I die. That is a scary thought, so I purchase my meds approx. 5 months in advance to make sure I do not run out even while I might be traveling somewhere.
So, to cut the story short, I have decided to write more during testing period and waiting period to let people know what does it feel like to live life in 3 months intervals between blood tests and then the week between tests and results. It takes a huge effort and needs lots of patient moments not to break down and just give it all up.
With this thought I begin my 7 days of waiting – had my blood test today, fainted in the end, they took so much blood, it was not funny. Afterwards I stopped for a tea in the canteen and found they still sell sugar with sugar for cancer patiens. The more reason for me to write more about the relation between food and illness.