Daily thoughts

I thought cancer would only change me for a short time.

Nobody is ready for hearing the words: you have cancer. Ever. Coming to a total freeze in life – at whatever stage we might be in.

I didn’t realize I had taken life for granted until it happened to me. The only thing I asked myself was: what now? Is this the end? How long I have left? What shall I do till the end? Why me? Why now? Why the thyroid? Why the lymph nodes? Why the lungs? Nothing was visible to the outside. Nobody could see I was walking around carrying tumors everywhere I went. To the large audience I looked like always before. But my inside was wrecked badly.

Little did I know I would become a completely different person through the cancer process.

And this process is as much mental and physical- no doctor is able to prepare us for this. They didn’t go through it, they don’t live every second of the day with it.

It’s been nearly 10 years since I was diagnosed. The person who read the sentences online seems like it wasn’t even me. I have gone through a huge transformation during these years and my healing process.

I’m stronger and softer at the same time. I love harder and more thoroughly in everyday life. I don’t live for big moments, but for the everyday pleasures and little moments. The big moments are a bonus, not what I wait for anymore.

I stopped any and every half way relationship with people or work. If not all in, I am out. I don’t have time for pretends.

I use the good China everyday for my afternoon tea. I wear the dress I want because I feel like it. I take the time, every-time. I call friends, I meet friends and cherish every time we spend together.

I read books, listen to Chopin and walk in nature as I’ve seen the trees for the first time.

I want to taste everything, feel everything, live life every single day as we all should. Authentically to our own self and honestly to our hearts.

Unless someone has received the diagnosis of cancer and healed themselves without conventional treatments, I don’t want to hear any life altering smart advice or big truths. Some part is simply missing from the understanding of our universe from those people. A part that only cancer survivors know. The value of life as is.